Letter to "Alchohol"

AFARR · Letter to "Alchohol"

Just for a laugh Laughing

"Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why
would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't
actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater,
but think you went too far this time.

3.Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Friday 4pm (pre - Friday happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning ."

Sound familiar to anyone? Laughing